Friday, September 10, 2010

This just in

God announced today that he has postponed the apocalypse.

Although he still refused to reveal the "times and seasons," God said the timeline for bringing about the end of the world has been postponed for at least two months.

Speaking through his prophet, Glenn Beck, God said he is waiting to see the results of the November election.

"If, as I expect, the Republicans are able to take both houses of Congress, I plan to extend the delay for another two years," he said. "Balance will be restored to the universe, and at best, Congress won't accomplish a blessed thing because neither party is likely to have a large enough majority to cram legislation through, and if they did, Obama will veto it.

"Without the ability to override a veto, the parties will return to blaming each other for ... whatever, and there'll be no need for me to act."

Beck, or God, whoever, said the focus would shift to the 2012 elections. If Republicans win back the presidency, then the forces of good will have triumphed, God/Beck said, and the apocalypse could be postponed for four more years.

Beck/God refused to answer questions about his reasons for couching his announcement in conditional language as though the Almighty didn't know for sure what was going to happen.

The Christian Booksellers Association expressed its dismay at the announcement.

"Our best-selling books are about prophecies concerning the end of the world," said spokesman I.M. Wright. "We're likely to experience a drop in sales, but we'll encourage our authors to shift their focus to pop psychology."

Wright said sales of serious books on Bible study or Christian discipleship probably wouldn't be affected.

"Nobody much reads those kinds of books, anyway," he said.

God/Beck said another announcement would be made after Christmas.

"We don't want to interfere with holiday protests about putting Christ back in Christmas and pushing economice recovery through purchasing big-ticket electronics for presents."

1 comment:

  1. Wow, Beck's rally really did change the world! It must have been the MILLION people who showed up to it.

    ReplyDelete